(The below piece was inspired by the book "Of Human Bondage" - i know somerset Maughm wouldn't approve !)
I can’t believe I have taken this path again. How long has it been since I last travelled this way? Not very long. How many times has the devil made its appearance? Almost every single time. Then why do I take it ? That’s it this is the last time. Nothing in the world can make me do this again. I have had my share of disappointments, learnt my lessons; there is no way I am going to take this bait again. O wait ! no this cant be ! Am I beginning to feel THE THIRST again ? how can this happen? Am I so helpless that I can’t even choose the direction of my step?
This thirst, it sabotages my mind. All of a sudden, it looks as if the mind is programmed to only find ways to quench this thirst, everything else seems insignificant. I know I would meet the devil if I take that path, but still I had to quench my thirst. I feel meek; The demons are fighting in the head. Thirst VS Pain. Time always sides with thirst, it weakens the power of pain, and eventually thirst wins and I take that path again.
This devil, it never leaves me, it doesn’t matter, whatever precaution I take, it makes its appearance. Is there no way of getting rid of its presence on the route. Am I supposed to always have a rendezvous with the devil? What makes the devil show itself up, all of a sudden? Did I summon it? I don’t I know, I am not sure. But if there is one thing I am sure of it is - The pain eases, thirst returns, I will tread the same way and meet the devil. Its all written as in a movie only thing that differs is the form it takes.
You can never be sure how the demon got summoned or at what point it made its appearance. The events preceding are almost always pleasant and rarely give an indication of whats about to come. Actually, I am mentally very exhausted. I can hardly recall the flow of events and cant even vaguely remember the cause. Though I don’t like to believe, I know the devil wouldn’t come without me summoning it. Times when I faintly recall the reason I summoned it, I feel like a moron, how could I have summoned the devil for such a daft reason. Sometimes I realize my mistake immediately after summoning the devil, I feel like pleading it to go away, I should have pleaded it go away, but then, the egoist that I am, I can never bow my head, I am only habituated to banging it once the devil leaves. Am I afraid that I would loose my ‘supposedly superior position’, which is again just a figment of my imagination and totally meaningless in the larger context.
Can I ever break free of this web or should I just resign to myself thinking that this is how it is supposed to be ?
2 comments:
One of your best I would say! It took me into my own version of the dichotomy and I think it would somewhat match with urs no matter how different our situations may be.
I dunno why, but I could honestly completely relate my situation with this post... Its been 2 months now, since I went face to face with my Devil, it will be a lie if I could declare that through these days I have completely curbed my Thirst. But, somehow I think what helps is to trying to balance the feeling of love and hate and trying to consciously realise how thirst is only getting your closer to PAIN. Somedays it helps to close my eyes and dream on and imagine a world where I get my share of thirst sans the pain. Biggest advantage being
1) It's only a dream (Something you can be woken up to, something that keeps you grounded)
2) It's as Real as it can get ( Dreams give you the power to imagine things so close to reality that, incase you have this momentary thirst for the Devil..its a way you satisfy that human tendency without the worrying about feeling pain ..
Apart from these, I really think its just about Timing ( somehow really time does change things, even if it sounds so cliched! ) and how we consciously don't allow mind to play games with us.
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