The Hypocrite

I was reading a book The Alchemist by Paulo Coleho. After going trough a couple of chapters i realised that what he was saying makes sense . i was overwhelmed with joy and exitation. the same feeling s a child meets when he is given a new toy. it made me feel that from the very next moment after reading this i wil be a better (read enlightened) soul . remember this was after i read jus TWO chapters.then suppresing my exitement i started to read again . this time half my mind is reading it and the other half started wandering . thoughts began to raise suddenly and simultaniously ." i need to take a photo copy of this and post it to xyz " . " i need to show this book to all around me "." i need to remember (rather byheart) these lines so that i can lecture people (hapless people)."i suddenly stopeed again after a couple of paragraph s for, i became aware of my thoughts (for the first time ).i put down the book and started to "see instantly whats going on " (in my mind ) --- my ego or self what ever it is , wants to satisfy itself by projecting itself as a 'erudite' (a person having special knowledge) person . a erudite person who has a special taste for philosophical issues - a person who can lecture on 'HIGH FUNDA' things like awareness and conciousness etc .jus as i am becoming aware of "these things " my ego got the better of me , and thoughts originated " i need to put this on paper ; i need to write a blog (the result of which is this) ", again for the same reason , satisfying my ego by projecting myself as a erudite person .then suddenly a feeling of chill ran through my spine for i realised that these thoughts are ' not within society 's standards of acceptable behaviour ' shortly called as immoral behaviour .i finished the article wondering if we( sorry i ) are really different from egoistic , attention seeking self centric people whome we loahe without realising that in our inner depths we too have the same feelings .

Tribute

Raja was waiting at the school gate for his dad to come and pick him up. his rickshaw driver was ill that day so his dad had to pick him up. He can see some of his friends' parents come and pick their kids after the school, he can see them come on bikes and in cars, he can more importantly see them not come on a cycle, which his dad will invariably come on. Being an obedient kid that he is, he would never say this to his dear father but he would love to see his dad come on a bike and not on a bicycle. He would prefer anything, even an old moped to the bicycle. For some weird reason he never understood why his dad didn't didnt buy one. His dad would never be late for the after school pick up, but today was an exception; he had some work to attend in his workplace. raja actually preferred it this way, being picked up late so that no one could see him go on a cycle. None of this friends would say anything, too matured for the age of eleven, but he would see something in their eyes that would say it all or was it just his imagination ? Now that it has been almost twenty minutes since the final bell rang, the traffic before the school thinned and he could see his dad coming. Seeing his dad raja became conscious, conscious of the fact that he would be going on the cycle. He became uncomfortable. he felt as if he was caught doing something wrong. He started looking down so that his eyes doesn't meet with anyone he knows. As soon as his dad stopped the cycle before him, he quickly got on to the back seat of the cycle. His dad always insisted on him sitting in the baby seat in front of him, so that his legs wont fall in the wheel. But raja felt he was a grown up now and that sitting in the front 'baby' seat would make every one think he is still a baby, which he thinks is unfair, given that he is already 100 cm tall. He expected some resistance from his dad for sitting in the back and is all ready to back answer. He badly wanted a reason to get back at his dad for insulting him before the entire school by coming to pick him up on a cycle. But that didnt happen, may be the look on his face said it all to his dad or may be his dad felt that he need to pacify raja for being late. His dad asked him the usual questions on the way back home. He asked him if he had finished his lunch box and other things concerning his health but nothing related to the academics. This further instigated raja, for he does reasonably well in the class and would have loved to brag about his acheivements in the class. About how he answered the social questions or about how he solved the maths questions. His dad fell silent after the initial couple of questions and now raja has to wait untill his mom finishes her house hold work to brag about his acheivements, this further raised the boil a couple of inches. The rest of the journey was pretty uneventful, with his dad making a couple of general remarks about the people passing by, as raja spent his time sulking and trying to get his displeasure across, with out much success. Reaching home and the thought of cricket made him quickly get rid of the things he had been carrying for some time; books, lunch box and the misery of coming back from the school on a cycle. He forgot this 'insignificant' problem or is it the problem of being insignificant as soon as he was faced with much bigger problems, the problems of bat, ball, wickets and runs and by the time he came back after his daily dose of cricket he was his usual self.

Seven years after that incident, raja was sitting in a chair watching TV. He can see the helpless face of his mother from the corner of his eyes. Though his eyes are watching the pitchers on the screen, nothing is getting registered in his mind. His mind went blank some moments ago or rather full, full with the thoughts of rage, anguish and self pity because he had an heated argument with his dad. he is in the first year of his graduation and like a typical adoloscent, wanted a bike to vroom in the streets but was flatly declined by his father. His mother,like all mothers do, in those circumstances, took his side against his dads, but in vain. After the first round of 'argument match' his dad gave his mother one of those looks without words which made his mom quit taking sides. raja never understood what tacit agreement will be reached everytime one of these looks are exchanged, irrespective of the source. Once his dad left the room after pronouncing a justice chowdary like final judgement, "what ever be the extent of sulking a bike will not be bought", his mother tried to pacify him with some conforting words and logical arguments. An emotional person can rarely be logical and no logic is going into emotinal raja's mind. He can hear his mom's repeated murmors, the essence of which is, that he actually doesnt need a bike as bikes are not allowed in his colleage and that he willl be able to use it only when he is in his home town during the two month summer vacation, and that it is not worth the effort and money. Instead of having a postive effect, this further stired up his rage, for, now he felt that even his mother is not able to understand his feelings - The way he feels when he needs to go to the theatre or to a friends house on a cycle. Though he never realised nor remembered, its the same feeling he had way back in his school days when his dad came on a cycle to pick him up.


Time flys by whenever a person is on the right side of the age and before he realised raja passed out of the colleage, well equiped with a well paying job to face the cruel face of life. After six months he came back to his house, for the first time since he joined in the job. Corporate life took its toll on raja and he spent most part of his vaction sleeping. It was towards the end of one of those seista's that he overheard a conversation between his parents. His dad is explaining to his mother that he would buy a second hand car instead of rennovating the house as it was his dream to own a car. Raja can guess from the passion in his voice that he always wanted to buy a car/vehicle but had to postpost it to accomodate for his studies. Though raja didnt let the disappointments affect his relation and attitude towards his dad, he still remembered them. Occasionally wondering how it would have been to sit/ ride a bike or car. Now he got the answer: his dad buying a bike would have ment that he didnt go to the best school and colleage. He felt shameful remembering the way he behaved with this dad when he refused to relent on the bike issue. jus as he was diving even deeper into the thoughts, he heard the sound of gate open and the sound of his dad pulling down the cycle stand signalling the end of the conversation and his pretention of sleep. He got up from his bed, not streaching his body but by streaching his mind to quickly find a way to execute the thought he just got. He has already made a list of the things he need to do once he goes back to his work place - which includes bargaining and zeroing on the best deals given by banks.

Habit

"Wait for ten minutes". The moment i heard this from the lady at the reception, i ran towards a round table with the only vacant chair available in the whole bank premises. Me running away from the receptionist at such pace is not a true indication of the beauty of the lady at the desk nor is an indication of lack of stamina in me to stand for the prescribed amount of time, though the later is debatable. The only reason why i made a dash towards the table, is i want to get hold of the crumpled newspaper lying unattended on the table. Its the same newspaper that was delivered to my room that morning, its the same newspaper on which i already spent two hours in the morning and decided that there is nothing worthy to read, its the same newspaper which gives me daily dose of health tonic in the form of sports news and celebrity gossip. yet i made a 'head turning' run to the table to get hold of the newspaper, so that i can escape rather shy away from the excruciating process of thinking. I almost feel like saying - Thinking is such a pain. If you wont believe, look at the details.
i always start off thinking about the so called "useful" stuff like academics (or job related); after all i am a guy who gets his priorities right. but i am also a guy with limited interest in academics, so my thoughts about them wont carry on for more than a couple of minutes. If i am honest with my self, i would attribute this inability to think about things i do/ need for living to the lack of depth in knowledge. I then try to think about relations and people. all the people i deal with are pretty straight forward people and cause little trouble to me, to really make me think for reasonable amount of time, which again results in my thoughts reaching a dead end with in a span of five minutes. Since i am left with no choice i start thinking about myself, The same self which i have been living with for the past 22 years, yet which is as alien as any other self. I am not one of those persons with an eligibility for St. at the beginning of the name and hence these thoughts inevitably leave a bad taste in mouth as i typically end up making self disparaging remarks about my self . If not i think about things that have been done and are done wrong or things that haven't been done but should have been done, which is not such a pleasant exercise. I some times even enter the forbidden lands of "what should i do in life" which never fails in giving me a bout of depression. This is precisely the reason why i desperately want to read that piece of crumpled newspaper; so that i can shut my mind before it turns idle and inturn into a devils laboratory, generating all kinds of depressive hormones. I strongly feel that pharma companies can boost the sale of their anti depressants by just making people sit idle for fifteen minutes.