"Perhaps i know best why man alone laughs; for he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter" --- Friedrich Nietzsche
I suffer, therefore I am. I wonder why I suffer. Is it because i don’t know any other way to lead a life?
Its only suffering that comes to my mind when i sit back at the end of my day and think about this mundane life.
I suffer even before the day starts! Every moment i am conscious in my sleep i suffer thinking that the alarm can ring at anytime.
Every moment i lie on the bed after the alarm rings i suffer looking at the dissonance that has developed between my mind and body called laziness.
I suffer every moment I spend getting dressed up thinking that i might miss the pickup cab, which comfortably drops me at my office.
At office, I suffer coz the work is either not up to me or I am not up to it.
I suffer thinking about my short comings, when people don’t rate me high and when people rate me high, i suffer from trying too hard to prove them right.
Every time I order something of my choice when I go out for a dinner, I suffer feeling that I am imposing my choices on others and when I don’t, I suffer feeling deprived. Alas when I go all alone I suffer from loneliness.
I suffer everyday waiting for the weekend. I suffer in the weekends knowing that they won’t last for ever.
Every now and then I suffer thinking about the disorderly life of mine, without proper eat, sleep, wake up timings. But then again I resent whenever my mom try s to put it in order during my stay at home during vacations.
In the night, when I reflect upon the day gone by, I suffer thinking about the things that should have been done and on rare occasions when I do manage to do something; I suffer thinking that they should have been done differently.
When I prepare myself for sleep so as to escape suffering, I suffer from insomnia. Eventually, when i fall a sleep, it’s only suffering that I can dream of.
I suffer from companionship as it makes me an imposter. But then being my true self doesn’t give me the necessary relief coz I realize that I have the same society defined immoral qualities like selfishness, jealousy, hypocrisy, attention seeking, back biting...Etc . I sometimes feel, I act as if I am caring and this thought makes me suffer even more than what I suffer when I act.
I suffer because people’s perception of what my choices should be, defines my choices but then the knowledge that I lack the strength to make my own choices doesn’t help me either.
I try to think out of suffering, but at the end of every thought there is only suffering. I suffer when I think about people because I miss them. I suffer thinking about either sides of today; past and Future, coz I haven’t done anything worthwhile nor plan to do anything. I wonder if i don’t know what to think other than about suffering. I knock many a doors to overcome suffering, but a door opens only because there is suffering on the other side of it. I ring many a phones so as to escape hearing the voice of suffering in my head but it’s only suffering that I hear every time the ring stops. I try to immerse myself into a book to escape from suffering, but cover to cover it covers only suffering. I think of travel to escape suffering but i suffer realizing that travel in the real world is different form the travel in dream world.
At times when these sufferings become unbearable, I try to think of the omnipotent, but then again I suffer from lack of faith. I know I suffer but I still can’t cry out my heart and relieve myself of the suffering coz more than the causes of my suffering, people knowing that I suffer gives me more pain. Is it their perception – that I am week or display of sympathy that I despise?