Thursday, June 12, 2008

Suffering

"Perhaps i know best why man alone laughs; for he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter" --- Friedrich Nietzsche

I suffer, therefore I am. I wonder why I suffer. Is it because i don’t know any other way to lead a life?

Its only suffering that comes to my mind when i sit back at the end of my day and think about this mundane life.
I suffer even before the day starts! Every moment i am conscious in my sleep i suffer thinking that the alarm can ring at anytime.
Every moment i lie on the bed after the alarm rings i suffer looking at the dissonance that has developed between my mind and body called laziness.
I suffer every moment I spend getting dressed up thinking that i might miss the pickup cab, which comfortably drops me at my office.
At office, I suffer coz the work is either not up to me or I am not up to it.
I suffer thinking about my short comings, when people don’t rate me high and when people rate me high, i suffer from trying too hard to prove them right.
Every time I order something of my choice when I go out for a dinner, I suffer feeling that I am imposing my choices on others and when I don’t, I suffer feeling deprived. Alas when I go all alone I suffer from loneliness.
I suffer everyday waiting for the weekend. I suffer in the weekends knowing that they won’t last for ever.
Every now and then I suffer thinking about the disorderly life of mine, without proper eat, sleep, wake up timings. But then again I resent whenever my mom try s to put it in order during my stay at home during vacations.
In the night, when I reflect upon the day gone by, I suffer thinking about the things that should have been done and on rare occasions when I do manage to do something; I suffer thinking that they should have been done differently.
When I prepare myself for sleep so as to escape suffering, I suffer from insomnia. Eventually, when i fall a sleep, it’s only suffering that I can dream of.

I suffer from companionship as it makes me an imposter. But then being my true self doesn’t give me the necessary relief coz I realize that I have the same society defined immoral qualities like selfishness, jealousy, hypocrisy, attention seeking, back biting...Etc . I sometimes feel, I act as if I am caring and this thought makes me suffer even more than what I suffer when I act.
I suffer because people’s perception of what my choices should be, defines my choices but then the knowledge that I lack the strength to make my own choices doesn’t help me either.

I try to think out of suffering, but at the end of every thought there is only suffering. I suffer when I think about people because I miss them. I suffer thinking about either sides of today; past and Future, coz I haven’t done anything worthwhile nor plan to do anything. I wonder if i don’t know what to think other than about suffering. I knock many a doors to overcome suffering, but a door opens only because there is suffering on the other side of it. I ring many a phones so as to escape hearing the voice of suffering in my head but it’s only suffering that I hear every time the ring stops. I try to immerse myself into a book to escape from suffering, but cover to cover it covers only suffering. I think of travel to escape suffering but i suffer realizing that travel in the real world is different form the travel in dream world.

At times when these sufferings become unbearable, I try to think of the omnipotent, but then again I suffer from lack of faith. I know I suffer but I still can’t cry out my heart and relieve myself of the suffering coz more than the causes of my suffering, people knowing that I suffer gives me more pain. Is it their perception – that I am week or display of sympathy that I despise?

4 comments:

kunta said...

Hey naveen after going through u r blog ,it really made me to start thinking of "Suffering"...Hahaaha..
Absolute narration and exact capture of "sufferings"..keep it up ra naveen

Anonymous said...

try reading what u have written again n again to improve ur style. U can write better english if u write consciously, probably emotion made u discard certain simple mistakes. Good language can make ur article better.

Anonymous said...

I liked the gist of it, but the tone was too pessimistic... on self-introspection, i even agree to your view point, but only to some extent... why to some extent?? will discuss with you in detail later...

Trinath Gaduparthi said...

Naveen,

Connected to your blog through buzz! I think writing is a very powerful cathartic. So try to be regular in letting out things in this space. I think it would be great.

Nicely written article. "I suffer, therefore I am" nice line the departure of a modern man from the Descartes thinking.